March 03, 2006

If You Have Set Yourself On Fire, Do Not Run

from - smijer

I was a frequent lurker at the internet infidels discussion forums a couple of years back. I stumbled on this thread only a few days after it began, and entertained myself reading it. In fact, my wife & I kept ourselves in stitches reading it... It's better taken in doses of as many posts as you can stand.

But, last year, the DHS ruined it all by changing the location of the images on their server. Now most of the jokes are broken, lacking images.

So click here to see the original post (which still has images intact, thanks to the fact that it was not hotlinked), by user Oxidizing Material (who apparently has since been banned from the site - not an easy thing to accomplish, itself)... and then have a look at some of the posts as I try to reconstruct them by matching the still-extant images from the DHS website to the captions...

Check this site out. It's the US government's attempt at scare mongering using the old "duck and cover" advice you learned after the war.

The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous that making your captions can be fun! - Oxidizing Material, February 22, 2003

Back? Good.... Here goes:
Post number 2, a oneliner from elwoodblues:

In case of nuclear radiation, stand directly behind your door, but do not open the door, even if the radiation knocks.
... If the image is still out there somewhere, I'll try to find it and put it here... I'll leave this one to your imagination:

Post number 4, from Slavik91:

If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.

Watch TV, surf the net and listen to music 'round the clock.

Your telephone may be a practicing physician.

With these simple ingredients, you too can be a terrorist!

Stand in radiation for exactly 5 minutes and 12 seconds a day for a healthy, glowing complexion.

Radiation lives in fallout shelters.

On your knees before God smites you!

Post 5 is short, but the first bit is one of my all-time favorites. Thank you to user oriecat, whose brief input was surely part of the impetus that pushed this thing to 36 pages and 885 posts ...

Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!

Don't go in the first aid tent if you're hurt. We want to keep it nice and white.

Post 6, again from elwoodblues...

Circumsized arrows are terrorists. Do the Walking Man as you pass them.

Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the @#$! away.

In case of flames bursting out around door, do NOT leave it shut. Always open flaming doors.

Don't get trapped under stuff.

If your dumb ass does get trapped under stuff, amuse yourself in your final moments with shadow puppets.

The '#' keys on your telephone and keyboard are highly radioactive

Missouri has three cities, all of which will be Designated Whipping Boys in the event of war. The armed forces will use these cities to calibrate their missiles.

In the event of emergency, find a 3-story, 10-foot-high building. The midgets inside will be sure to help you. Remember, just follow the enormous red arrow protruding from your crotch.

Moving right along... Post to post 11 by Wizardry...

In this time of war, real Americans eat red meat only! Fish and poultry may be terrorists.

Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.

In the event that a terrorist strikes your closet, go immediately to your other closet.

Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.

The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand.

To get away from a terrorist attack quickly, take the stairs once in a while, fat ass!

If a door is closed, karate chop it open.

Pose for a picture with your faceless family!

Your garage is a mess. Clean it out.

I'm going to leave out Mageth's post# 12...
feel free to click the link and use your imagination....

Post 13, from Buddrow_Wilson is pretty good... I'll wrap it up for today with this one... This rescue effort is a lot of work, but these things are well worth being preserved... I'll try to throw one of these in at least once a week, and eventually make a category page for them so they can appear together in all their magical glory.

note to stoners: These items are poor choices for bong-making material

When the looting begins remember to consider the weight/value ratio. Here we have a few example of high value, low effort

Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds however you may become sterile

After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head

Only the coolest irradiated citizens will be allowed into the 'underground' club

It may be comforting to perform felatio on yourself in your final moments

Be sweet, and don't forget to visit the Friday Ark!


Posted by smijer at March 3, 2006 07:25 AM
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