February 25, 2005

Miracle Drugs

Drugs are very good things if use appropriately. Of course, like anything, if abused....they're very bad. There are so many classifications and so many uses! Some people have developed a drug phobia and others think that they are less of a person if they have to depend on a drug. I have something to say to them.

I take a drug for seizures. What in the world would my life be like without it? I used to be really resentful that I had to take medication to get by everyday and that this medication slowed down and impaired my ability to think. I tried weaning myself off of it to prove to everyone that I could do without it. It was a disaster. I had a grand mal seizure... a bad one that left me injured, bleeding, with temporary cord shock, and on my way to the hospital in an ambulance. I didn't quite think that one through well enough, huh? I have to take thyroid medication for hyperthyroidism. If I don't, I get so nervous and jittery that I feel as though I am going insane. Think about it....our thyroid has a hand in regulating almost everything!

My son takes drugs for hyperactivity and bipolar mood swings. Before we got him stabilized on the meds he is on now, he was suicidal, self-mutilating, very unhappy, and had a very dark mood. Now he is smiling, happy, and has no destructive behaviors or outbursts. He's not a zombie either. He seems as normal as anyone else.

Some people view drugs as a crutch. Some view them as something to cover up a problem that God would heal if we weren't on the medications. (That is for a different post.) The point that I am trying to make is that drugs are good if they are used therapeutically. People say that God gave us brains to use and doctors to go to when we get sick. Well, he gave us drugs and gave doctors the knowledge of how to use them to help us too.

I know someone that has been to the doctor and is believed to have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder with Anxiety. They were put on Paxil and life became more pleasant for them and those around them. However, they believe that they need to be in control of all of their faculties, so they quit taking the medication and quit going to the doctor because they believe that they are cured since the destructive behaviors have ceased. Yes, they can survive without it, but life is more peasant and easier for all with it. If you have a chemical imbalance that makes you that way....why not take something that straightens it out?? I just don't get it. Why the need to feel so totally in control? In reality, if wild mood swings are controlling your life, the inablility to control your modes of thought and when you cut off a thought keep you anxious, the ability to relax is unobtainable, and the people you love annoy you....are you really in control? I don't think so. I think that the medicine helps you regain that control.

My opinion.

Posted by Barbara at 07:18 AM | Comments (0)

February 23, 2005

I Fell Again!!

Can you believe it? I mean, who falls? Toddlers and the elderly! Not healthy women my age that are sober! And embarrassing!! It was bad enough to fall being attacked by a bird and wondering who saw me through their opened curtains and laughed their behinds off at me, but this time I busted it in front of many classmates.

The new nursing building only has a limited amount of parking spaces. If you arrive late on Mondays, you have to park at the meth lab (Olan Mills) and walk through a swamp area via a wooden walk. It is green with algae and it had been raining. It was as slick as if someone had smeared snot on it. We were all slipping and sliding, but I was the only one to fall. Even though I had on black jeans, I wore green algae stains the entire lenfth of my legs all day and mud on my backpack. I am sore, scraped, bruised, and having a tough time moving and sleeping, but I didn't break anything. And think goodness I landed on the boardwalk and didn't slide off into the swampy water. There are no handrails.

Anyway, at least it got them in gear. The college decided that it was time to clean it before someone else got hurt. The next day they were out cleaning it with bleach. Something good came of it, right?

Posted by Barbara at 09:18 PM | Comments (0)

February 16, 2005

School Time Again

I guess everyone has figured out that it is school time again and I am up to my eyeballs in clinicals, homework, and taking tests. It will soon be over though and I can see a light at the end of my tunnel!! The May 6 graduation day is approaching fast!

I just wanted to pop in and say that God has been and is being good to me. All is well on the homefront and in school. I am blessed. I hope everyone is well and I pray that everyone is blessed and knows where their help comes from. :o)

Posted by Barbara at 10:08 PM | Comments (0)

February 04, 2005

True Story

I knew from the beginning that there was something different about Matthew. Of course, I blamed myself most of the time figuring that I must be doing something wrong. I wasn't doing something right and the pediatrician wasn't telling me what to do and I was just a terrible mom. I was young, but I'd been around a lot of babies, and he was different. Was it because he knew he wasn't with the mother that carried him? Was it because she had such poor prenatal care when she was pregnant with him? Was it because her diet was so poor and she smoked and drank on occasion while she was pregnant with him?

Then I had my other child. Boy was there a difference. Jesse was so loving and received love so well. He rarely cried and was so healthy...whereas, Matthew always cried and was always sickly. Matthew was so hard to deal with...hyper, slow to walk, slow to be potty trained, slow to talk, and a real loner. Jesse did everything early...talk, walk, potty train, and loved being with people. He had personality plus and was sooo smart. Matthew was smart in a different way. He could figure out any child lock....climb to the highest point of the house anywhere in the house by age one, find the most incredible things to stick in electrical sockets, try to swim repeatedly in the deep end of the pool even before he could walk and long after (it never worked)....destroy an entire room in ten minutes...etc. I think you get the idea. Ask-a Nurse at the local hospital knew me by name. They eventually started calling me just to check on him if it had been awhile since I'd called. And the only time I had to call them with Jesse is when Matthew fed him about twenty Flinstones chewables with iron!!

Life was never boring. Matthew would just suddenly stop playing and run in the room at warp speed and black Jesse's eye with a toy for no apparent reason or grab him around the neck and slam his head into the wall. One day, he 'sawed his neck" with a serrated bread knife at my mom's house that h got from the dish drain by pushing his choo choo train up to the sink to get it out. Finally at the age of three...in spite of everyone arguing with me about it....I took him to the doctor and he was put on Ritalin. At that point it was either calm him down, get me some help, or lock me in a mental institution. I had reached the end of my rope.

Life suddenly got better. He finally began to learn to count and speak words correctly. He was able to sit still and actually play with Jesse. The change was remarkable. He was so far behind cognitively, that we had to put him through kindergarten twice....but he finally caught up. He was doing a lot better until.......

The abuse began again. My husband had drank when we first got married and for awhile after. He was a bit rough with Matt. He would spank him and leave whelps. He would spank him for such stupid things...like reaching for things in the store. What child less than two years of age doesn't?? Then it got better for awhile. He quit drinking and we were much better off for a year or two. I hadn't been beaten in awhile...or abused much. He would punch me in the head with his fist so that no one could see that he hit me. Sometimes he'd keep me up all night for several nights denying me sleep until I was delirious. He smashed things against the walls....threw phones through windows...broke things that meant a lot to me...force me to have sex against my will....etc. Then he had started this back. This time though, he was chasing Matthew through the house like a madman, spanking him and telling him that he'd get it worse if he told me when I got home from work (I didn't find out for awhile), throw things at us, smash things on the wall over his head for the scare affect, throw him across the room onto the couch or a bed, ask him to answer questions that he couldn't possibly answer and make his punishment worse when he didn't...and on and on.

I divorced him when that stuff started happening (not soon enough though.) I got my kids psychiatric counseling and set out to find someone completely opposite from him for my next partner. He has been a pain in the rearend since we seperated. He has quit drinking, doing drugs, and physically abusing Matthew as far as I know and am told. However, he thinks that this should relieve him of any responsibilty of what happened in the past. He gets angry with Matthew when he has a hard time getting over the past. He says that he has more than made up for it and Matt just needs to get on with his life. I can't convince him that just stopping the behavior is not enough to help Matthew through the trauma that he was put through. However, he says that it
is not his problem that Matt can't adjust and get over it...he's not going to pay for his past the rest of his life.

Of course, he has NEVER attended the first appt at his therapist or psychiatrist no matter how much I have tried to get him to go. He refuses to attend support group meetings. He's just always too busy and has to work too much. Yeah, and what have I done all of these years?? (hmmmm) Anyway, that might be a valid excuse, but he won't even read any books, acknowledge that the doctors have enough sense to diagnose him, or even call the doctor and discuss it. What does that tell you? I know what it tells me!!

All of this to get at what? I'm mad! That's all. Matt decided about a month ago that he just really didn't belong over at his my ex's house. He doesn't feel right there, he doesn't feel wanted there, and he is uncomfortable the entire time that he is there. I'm not making him go back. He still does more for the one child than the other. Matt sees it. If Jesse mows the yard, he gets paid. He will make Matthew mow...and he gets nothing for weeks in a row. Little things like that to a child are crushing and the ex doesn't have enough sense to see it.

Does Matthew have problems? Yes! Genetically, yes. The father was bipolar and the mother was ADHD. He didn't have much of a chance to begin with. He needed special guidance from day one. But the ex thinks that "I" am the problem and I just didn't allow him to "beat his ass" enough. I guess I should have let it get to the point that ER visits were needed and the state took him away? How do you argue with such ignorance? But even more, I'd like to know, how you don't get angry enough to bite through nails, cry, and let it affect your everyday life when some jerk is calling you telling you what a 'bi***' you are, what a pathetic mother you are, and how they're going to "come to your front door" if you hang up on them again. (Keep in mind that this is an ex that has never paid a dime of child support though he thinks that buying their school clothes, shoes, and paying for half of their sporting supplies, yearbooks, school lunches etc. is supporting them while we pay for all medical insurance, co-pays, medicine, the little things that pop up all year long, the "mom I have a field trip" and "mom I need three dollars for a pizza party" stuff, etc.

The only thing good that I can say about him when I am this mad at him is that he got lucky again and got a really good girlfriend. He won't marry her yet which is really stupid on his part. He ought to grab on while he can before she sees him for what he is and runs for the hills. He won't find another one like her....or me. She is our communication most of the time and I thank God for her. I am glad that I have had her on my side for the time that I have. I only hope that he doesn't try to turn her against me like he has tried to do many times before with a bunch of lies so that he is my only means of communication. I will have to hire a mediator then....and I will feel like I have lost a friend.

Well, I've vented enough.

Posted by Barbara at 11:30 PM | Comments (3)