I have been doing weekend call for a hospice for about seven months or a little more now. I only work two days and have five days off, but I am pulled in five or six different directions at one time and constantly dealing with crisis, stress, and death. Prior to that I was working doing a case load during the week for hospice for about a year and a half.

Is it time for a change or just some time off? I love my job and it is my comfort zone since I have been doing it since I graduated. I feel like I am doing something good and am helping people.

Should I just bite the bullet and go get some hospital experience no matter how badly I may hate it? Should I stick this out and see if I can get over the burnout? Any suggestions?

I currently attend the Church of God and my husband attends the Unitarian Universalist. I classify myself as Christian and he classifies himself as atheist. Amazingly, we coexist peacefully with less problems than many couples of the same faith. Barring a couple of really big bumps in the road during our marriage, we have a wonderful relationship.

It has been brought to my attention that many people that have never been exposed to a pentacostal church...or only visited a time or two....have very dim views of us. Of course, there are always the eccentric crazies that make the news that give any particular group a dim light. However, I have been very shocked to find out that the views that many people hold of "fundies" (as they so fondly call us) are very different than what we really are. They see us as insensitive and very dimwitted. Though I have to admit that many pentacostals see them as evil and being influenced by the devil.

Being in the situation that I am in, I have to think and rethink things a lot. I constantly find myself wondering what it is all about. I find that there are great people and really nutty people in all of the places I have been. I came to a conclusion a long time ago that there is not just one religion that has it all figured out or that one religion will make it to heaven. But what about the people that don't believe in God or believe that He has left us to our own devices to figure things out on our own? What if they are good people?

My basic conclusion is that you repsect people. You have to love and respect people for who they are and what they believe. Sure, witness to them if you feel led to (by the Holy Spirit as they say in my church), but don't ever try to force your beliefs on anyone. I believe that you KNOW THAT YOU KNOW when you need to and be ready for that time...but the best witness is your life before others.

Many people have rough lives....many have had much worse lives than me. However, I don't think that I could have survived all the trauma in my life without God and the thought of knowing that He is always there for me... unconditionally. Even through the last bump in my road (which has broken my heart and hit me hard) the Lord is my comfort and my strength. I have a peace and am going on. I will continue to live my life to try to help others, love people, love life, and count on the Lord. I may have taken a few steps back, but it has made me stronger and I will march one hundred steps forward using it and resting in the Lord.

I have been with many people when they die...and I am assured that there is a difference. I have been with sinners and saints. I have been with people that have lived like the devil their entire lives, fighting to live because they are afraid to die and suffering needlessly, only to make things right before they die and die with such peace. I have seen people that were proclaimed atheists their entire lives find the Lord and laugh and cry at the same time when they have an encounter with the Lord and babble endlessly about how easy it was and how wonderful and awesome God is.

I have seen them go out speaking in tongues, I have seen them go out smiling, scared, peaceful, fighting.....you name it. I will leave my comments at that... but I will tell you that based on all that I have seen, and all that I have experienced, that I am where I need to be as far as churches. Do I agree with every little detail? No. Do I disagree with bits and peices of the teachings? Yes. I have so many reasons to believe that it is the right place for me that I could never explain to anyone that doesn't already know it for themselves.

Is the Church of God a cult? No. We believe like most Christian denominations with one added factor. Does that make us a cult? No. We are so misnderstood. Do we mean well? Of course we do. We may not see things the way others do, and it may be difficult for others to understand our line of thinking, but we have good intentions though our methods may seem bizarre.

Why did I post all of this? Don't know really...just on my mind after someone saying that the Church of God is a cult and pointing out that many people have very unreal ideas of who we are. I'm not sure that I can even address those issues if I tried. I am not eloquent or efficient at expressing what I am trying to say.

His request from day one was that we find his sons. We had searched for them through the American Red Cross, local directories, called information for all local cities, etc. We couldn't find them. He was about to give up hope and was not doing very well, then one day....our social worker found his son's phone numbers through some funeral arrangements when she was trying to make sure that he had everything that he needed done, taken care of.

We called one son and he didn't want to have anything to do with him. We were at a standstill and the patient started doing poorly again. I decided to try again. I wrote letters for him as he dictated then called the son for addresses. He was clearly not thrilled, but gave me addresses for both sons and included my phone numbers. One day while I was out for surgery, I got a phone call from the other son. He was so excited to hear from his father and know where he was and that he was still alive.

Once we began to talk about what landed him where he was and their seperation, he was so tearful. He was so upset that his father was taken like he was but so glad that he had a chance at a relationship before he passes. He and his daughters started sending cards and pictures. He began to perk up and do better. Then his family announced a visit. They will be visiting him soon and all are so excited to be reunited. They are seperated by many miles, but will see each other again.

I am so excited and will be present for the reunion. I can hardly wait. It will be one of my best Christmas presents.

I see a lot of people
who are fighting over space
on land that God has loaned to us,
as a token of His grace.

They hurt the little children who
were sent to bless their life,
and a big, strong, handsome husband
turns anger on his wife.

I see people stealing hope and peace
from helpless passers-by,
while hatred rages all around,
cold hearts not not knowing why.

There's trouble and confusion;
weak and weary tossed around
by blows of mental anguish,
where no reason can be found.

They visit prisoners bound by chains
of sickness and disease,
and seek to live a holy life
through strength found on their knees.

All around this world I see
kind, willing hands of caring
reaching out in selfless love
no taking for themselves...just sharing.

Here, angels rejoice as the journey ends,
and heaven envelops your earthly loss
A battle was fought, a victory won,
reflecting the Conqueror of the Cross.

He's here you know, the Holy One
who left this marvelous place
to bring the gifts of hope and joy,
borne on a cross.....God's Grace.

I'm so happy in His presence
so very thrilled with all I see.
Please, make this season a time of joy
and just be glad for me.

By a very special friend of mine, Eva Knab, Chaplain/RN

One day, we were talking about a pattern of a co-worker that I 'have' noticed amusingly and we began to talk about her incanny perception. She began to say that one person would act a certain way if they were having a bad day and that she knew when things were bad with work with another person because they did something else. I couldn't resist. I asked her what my pattern was. Her answer made me think for a couple of days.

She said that I was hard to read. She said that occasional small things might make her think that something was wrong somewhere but it was hard to tell if it was work or home. She said that I seemed to be pretty steady with my mood most of the time and no one would believe all that I had on my plate if they didn't know it. She went on to say that she didn't know how I functioned as well as I did with all that I had going on in my life and that she'd be a basket case. She meant this as a compliment and I took it as so.

I have made so many posts about how lucky I am. I'm sticking to that. Life is never a bed of roses without some thorns, right? However, it does make me wonder if there is something wrong with me or if I cope better than others. Do I hide my head in the sand and ignor too much or do I just take it in stride? Should I be more concerned and do more about it? Do I do what I can and do no more for self preservation? How much can one person do and how much can actually be done? These are the things that I have been thinking the last couple of days.

Having a son that is schizoaffective definately takes it's toll on the family and me. I don't know if I do enough or if I ever could. I try to help my family as much as I can. I give a lot. Do I give and do enough? I think so, because I would drop if I worked anymore hours and my house is already in a mess because of it. My marriage isn't perfect by any stretch, but I could not have married a better person....if that makes any sense. I will leave that at that. I have health issues...epilepsy...tumors.....arthritis....but it could be much worse. There is more too that I won't go into. But, should this make me crazy? Maybe if I slowed down long enough it would.

Someone else I know has 'very' similar problems, is trying to quit smoking, and hates their job. This person is miserable. It is all they can do to get through a day. They are pleasant most of the time and withdraw from the world when they can't be so they don't hurt anyone's feelings. They just can't help themselves. I don't think that they choose to be miserable or unhappy...they just can't help it.

Therefore, I think that my ability to do whatever it is that I do is a blessing. The Lord helps me keep upbeat most of the time and happy. I still feel lucky and blessed even though my bed of roses has thorns. I still feel like life is what you make of it. If something makes you that miserable...get rid of it...no matter how hard it is to do it. I did it with my ex and my old job and both were the hardest things I have ever done...but I am happier and better off for it.

I find myself being so upset and torn up about things that, I think at that moment, will just ruin my life. It takes a while sometimes to realize that my life is made up of so much more than whatever that was that was consuming my thoughts at that time. My life is more than a job or more than a physical imperfection or more than not having everything that I want. It is so much more.

I have a wonderful husband after having been in a terribly abusive relationship for so many years. I have one of the best Mothers in the entire world. I have two sons (one natural and one adopted) that I was predicted to never have. I have many special family members including in-laws. I have epliepsy, but it is controlled. I finally have a special job that makes me feel as if I am making a difference in this world and not just going through the motions. I could go on and on and on too. I could talk about my friends, my church, etc....

I think that we should take more time to think of all of the things that we have to be greatful and thankful for. We can all probably come up with quite a list.

I was doing some research on gossip to try to get some good pointers on how to stop an office full of gossipers and I came across a couple of good statements. Here is one......
"Gossip ruins lives, assassinates personalities, splits families, alienates friends, and greatly harms a person's (and company's) finances. Actually, nothing can eat through a company's profits faster than gossip, which leads to hurt feelings, a sense of helplessness for the victims and a general lack of morale.
On the other hand, a gossip-free life results in positive interactions with the people around you, heals relationships, makes a company run more efficiently and profitably, and increases one's general level of peace and happiness."

Here is another one (by someone bitten).....
"Do people not realize that when they propagate gossip, they help to chip away at someone's life? Pardon my crassness, but what the hell? Not only does it hurt the person it's about, but if it's taken from something that was said innocently enough, then it tarnishes the person that said it in the first place. Gossip really sucks. Not sucks like a vaccuum sucks, but sucks like losing your best friend, or like not being able to get your coffee first thing in the morning when you REALLY, REALLY need it. It sucks because it ruins lives people! It might make a person feel like they're in the know if they can share that marvelous, albeit ill-gotten knowledge, or that they're popular with the crowd of whoever's popular at the moment when they share, but in the end it only ruins lives."

Then I will end with some enlightening scripture knowledge about gossip...

OUTLINE IDEA: Lying is not merely a social problem; it is a deep spiritual problem. TEXT: "You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor" (Exodus 20:16).

PURPOSE: To help listeners appreciate the danger and damage that can be done by bearing false witness.

Do you like dolphins? Do you know that dolphins can communicate audibly with one another? Why is that fascinating?

Do you think that dolphins lie to one another? Do you think they are more truthful than people are?

What’s so wrong about lying?

I. When we lie, we distort the image of God in us.

Lying distorts our relationship with God whom we are to love.

There is no falsehood in God. God doesn’t merely possess the qualities of light, truth, goodness, and love.

What does 1 John 1:5 mean when it states that "God is light and in Him there is no darkness at all"?

God is incapable of lying:

"God is not a man that He should lie, nor a son of man, that He should repent. Has He said, and will He not do? Or has He spoken, and will He not make it good?" (Numbers 23:19).

"In hope of eternal life which God, who cannot lie, promised before time began" (Titus 1:2).

In contrast, the devil is described as "the father of lies" (John 8:44), a title he earned from his first encounter with men and women.

Because God cannot bear false testimony to anything in any way, we who are made in His image were created to live truthful lives.

Whenever we lie, we move away from what God designed us to be to become like the Enemy who majors in lies.

II. Lies distort the relationship we are to have with neighbors whom we are to love.

Dishonesty undermines our personal relationships.

Have you ever had someone you trusted let you down by lying to you? What does that do to your friendship?

Have you ever had someone you trusted cheat you? What happens inside of you?

Gossip destroys not only the trust you had in a friend but in other people as well.

Have you ever found that someone in whom you confided has told your secret to others? What happens in you and in your relationship to that person?

Gossip ruins both the gossip and the person who is the object of the gossip.

A gossip values the attention he gets so much that truth doesn’t matter much to him any more.

The individual whose trust has been betrayed finds it much more difficult to trust anyone else. As a result, he or she finds it more difficult to relate on a deep level to others through his or her life.

III. The problem doesn’t center in what we say, but in what we are.

"The heart is deceitful above all things . . . who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9). Because we have deceitful hearts, we speak and live deceitfully.

Jesus asked, "How can you, being evil, speak good things? For out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks" (Matthew 12:34).

If we really are people of integrity, it must mean that God must deal with our hearts

I was shocked, confused and bewildered as I entered Heaven's door
Not by the beauty of it all, or the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven who made me sputter and gasp--
the thieves, the liars, the sinners, the alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought was rotting away in hell, w
as sitting pretty on cloud nine, looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.

And why's everyone so quiet, so somber? Give me a clue."
"Hush, child," said He "They're all in shock.
No one thought they'd see you."

Judge NOT.

Can we really take lemons and turn them into lemonade by our choices and attitudes? If we are a sour puss, is it because we have chosen not to think ourselves happy?

I am inclined to believe that we should do the best that we can do and be happy with what we have while trying to do better. I believe that we should keep the attitude that we should count our blessings and see the positive things in our lives. However, not so much so that we don't recognize the problems that need to be tended to or gotten rid of. Is that part of our choice to be happy? Choosing to get rid of the negative or 'bad' things in our lives to enhance our happiness? But even when we do that, sometimes it gets worse before it gets better if it doesn't get worse and stay that way. We are taking a chance, aren't we? Or is it what we make of that chance?

Any facts or opinions?

I have given him a hard time over not celebrating Valentine's Day, but he is really so good every day of the year. He doesn't like to celebrate pagan holidays and most Christian holidays. He begrudgingly celebrates Christmas. I'm not quite sure why, but I'm sure that it has to do with the fact that it is so celebrated and the entire family celebrates it. He doesn't like it though.

He doesn't know that he bought me some Valentine gifts from Bath and Body Works yet, but he will find out when he gets home. ;o) But he won't say a word. He never does. He pretty much lets me have what I desire within reason and takes very good care of me. Who would have thought that the Lord could bless someone by using an atheist?

I love my job and find it very rewarding, but welcome this slow time while we have plenty of staff and census is a little low. Office politics is a little bit of a pain in the rear but can be avoided if I just get in the office and get out and tend to my own business. Nursing is definately a 'dog-eat-dog' profession. I think that is what is all about sometimes with some people.

I just don't let it bother me so far. Maybe it will start to get to me after awhile, but so far I just trust in the Lord to take care of me and 'get my back.' I trust Him to take care of me, watch over me, and help me to make good decisions. I hope that I am always kind to everyone, set a good example, make everyone want to have what I have, treat everyone in the office equally as good, and do what is absolutely best for my patients. I love my little patients and want to make life as fulfilling and comfortable as possble for the time they have left. If there is any way that I can assist them to make that happen, I am there.

I have such wonderful co-workers for the most part too. They are all so in tuned with the patients needs and communicate so well with each other to do what is best for the patient. Our CNA's are our eyes and do an excellent job reporting things that they know we don't see doing an assessment that they do see with so much more hands on work with them. Our social worker is the absolute best and so is our chaplain. All of whom I am happy to consider personal friends. Our nursing staff is growing by leaps and bounds as is our business and census. We have been fortunate to have been blessed with the expertise certain fields and clinical experience. I have a vast group to learn and absorb from.

I never thought that I could do hospice and now I can't imagine my life doing anything else. I quit a very good job making very good money to go to nursing school to do what I felt like I should be doing and to do something that I felt was fulfilling. It was tough to give up that salary, do without for a time. get behind, and start over as low man on the totem pole after holding a respected position...but I have to say that it was worth it and is very rewarding. Surprisingly, answering to a lot of people again isn't quite so bad. The people I have to answer to have shown me a lot of respect for my hard work and dedication.

Funny...I used to think that I'd have more time when I got out of the business that I was in and then when I got out of nursing school and didn't have to study so much. I haven't had much time. I have worked a lot of overtime, but I cannot say that I have been miserable like whe I was doing what I used to do or when I was in school. I am so happy...just tired. I really think that this is where I am supposed to be.

I will try to post again and not wait so long to do it this time. I hope all of you are well and your dreams are coming true!!

I so want to blog about things that go on in my day to day experiences but am so afraid to because of HIPAA. My biggest fear is that a family member might happen upon it and say, "That's my Mom!" and want to sue me or my employer for talking about them.

Does anyone know legally how I can tell my funny stories without endangering myself? Just change the names and not mention the name of the facility that I work for? My little patients keep me laughing, crying, and truly amazed. The elderly are too underappreciated and forgotten by society. We should truly treasure them. We are who we are because of them...and someday...we will be them. I'd like to share how wonderful they are.

I begin my new job as a hospice nurse next Monday. I am excited and a little scared. I hope that I can handle it and really want it as badly as I think that I do. Getting attached to these patients would not be a great idea, huh? I know I will though...them and their families. I guess I will take it one day at a time and see what happens. I know that my heart is in it and it is where I feel like I should be and that is what counts.

I also get to go back to dayshift! Woohoo! I have barely seen my family for the last month or so working nights and long hours. It has been horrible. And though my husband tries hard...he's not much of a cook. I think the kids are really tired of frozen pizza and hot dogs. :o) Life will be back to some sort of 'normal' and I am so ready for that.

Anyway, I can now officially say that I am an RN. That feels really good after working so hard for it. Some days, I thought that this day would never come. I just hope that it is worth all of the debt that we have incurred, all of the stress that it has caused, all of the things we have done without, etc. I hope it is. For now though...I am elated. I have finally done what I have wanted to do do for way over half of my life....even if I am just pushing meds at the nursing home for now.